


something worth holding onto

by cjmasim



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: (to friends not the whole nhl lmao), Aromantic, Asexual Character, Coming Out, Communication, Getting Together, M/M, Multi, Polyamory Negotiations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-05-31 18:00:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19431205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjmasim/pseuds/cjmasim
Summary: Anders turns over to face away from Charlie. It really doesn't matter how Charlie would react to him being aromantic. He's not going to come out to him just based on a random thought. There's no evidence whatsoever that Charlie likes him like that. If he did, he'd at least try to sleep in the same bed, Anders is sure.It was a good hookup, and Charlie wants to do it again. Anders wants to do it again. So they'll do it again, and that's all they'll do. If it gets out of hand, well, he can deal with that when it happens.





	something worth holding onto

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [heybernia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/heybernia/pseuds/heybernia) in the [PuckingRare2019](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/PuckingRare2019) collection. 



> Thanks to heybernia for this prompt! I saw it and, having had some thoughts about Anders being aromantic before, I really wanted to write this fic. I tried to make it very clear that what happens in this fic isn't romance; it's more of a fic about how meaningful relationships can be without having that component, through the vehicle of an aitch king who's aromantic but still enjoys sex. There's nothing very explicit, though. 
> 
> The title is from Move On by Between You & Me. 
> 
> Warning for some internalized arophobia/aphobia, mild referenced homophobia, and light angst, but it's mostly pretty lighthearted.
> 
> This fic is obviously not meant for you if you know or are any of these players. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Anders didn't see himself ever hooking up with a teammate on an NHL road trip, but it happens. It's by far the best sex he's ever gotten from a hookup. Maybe it's because it's the first time he's hooked up with a friend; maybe it's just because it's Charlie. He'd been afraid it would be awkward, but it's not - they just _get_ each other. It's exactly what he's been craving, and it's perfect. Until it's not.

"Oh my God," Charlie says almost as soon as they finish, practically jumping off the bed and walking over to the window. He's still naked and messy, so it's a good thing the curtain is closed. "Oh God."

"What is it?" Anders asks. He's not sure whether Charlie's freaking out because he just slept with a guy, because he just slept with his friend, or something else entirely.

"You can't tell anyone," Charlie says.

Anders nods. "Yeah, I wasn't planning on it."

"I'm not…" Charlie pauses. Anders dreads what he's about to say - he is so not in the mood to deal with another repressed hookup claiming he's "not gay" after enjoying their time together, but he lets Charlie finish. "I'm not sure - fuck, sorry, it's - it's fine. You're fine."

"Thanks?"

Charlie winces. "I didn't mean - I'm really screwing this up, aren't I?"

Anders smiles, trying to be reassuring. He's not even sure what's going on here, but at least Charlie isn't mad at him for continuing to be gay after sex. That's never fun. "It's fine, man. I won't tell anyone, and we don't have to do it again. We don't even have to talk about it."

"No!" Charlie says, and looks like he immediately regrets it. "I - I mean, we can do it again. If you want to. I'd like that. I just - I don't know. It was good - great, really, I think I just need to, uh… think things through?"

"Okay," Anders says slowly. Charlie's words have him even more confused - if Charlie's sure he'd like to do it again, then what is he so worried about? He lets it go, though. Now is clearly not the time for a serious conversation, especially considering that they're both still naked. "I'm just gonna go get ready."

Charlie hums in acknowledgement, and Anders goes to shower and brush his teeth. By the time he returns, Charlie's put his boxers back on, and is back to sitting on the bed. He's just sitting there, staring at the floor, and as soon as he sees that Anders is back, he practically bolts to the bathroom to take his own shower.

Anders doesn't think much of it. He didn't really expect Charlie to want to talk in between showers. He probably won’t want to talk at all, really, and it's getting late. Anders gets back into bed, pulls out his phone, and opens Instagram.

Several nonsensical comments about aitch and deuce bagels later, Charlie returns from the bathroom. This time, he's wearing a t–shirt and pants. He hesitates at the bathroom door, but before Anders can figure out what to say, Charlie goes to the other bed.

Anders isn't sure what to say, so he decides to just not acknowledge that his hookup is sleeping in a separate bed. It's really not a big deal, anyway.

"Good night," he says, putting his phone down on the bed stand and turning off the light. Charlie returns the sentiment, and the room is silent.

Anders wishes he could say he goes to sleep. He wishes he could at least say that Charlie went to sleep, but no, it's just the two of them lying in separate beds and pretending to sleep for at least an hour. He wishes he could just know what's bothering Charlie. If he said he wants to do it again, then surely he's not grappling with his sexuality? And he must like Charlie enough - oh no.

He really hopes Charlie doesn't have a crush on him. It doesn't really seem that way given the separate beds, but people act weird when they're in love or whatever. Anders really, really doesn't get it, and he knows he never will. It's not usually an issue with hookups. But if Charlie likes him, that could ruin their relationship. Anders isn't going to like him in the same way. He's tried so many times, been on far more dates than he's ever wanted to go on, kissed too many guys and girls and never really enjoyed it. It's just not going to happen.

But how could he explain that to Charlie? He's a hockey player. Sure, he's at least somewhat interested in men if he hooked up with his teammate, but Anders knows the chances of a goalie scoring the Stanley Cup winning goal are higher than the chances of any hockey player actually knowing what being aromantic means. It's just not something most people who don't frequently use the Internet are aware of. He certainly wasn't aware of it until he got desperate and started searching things like "don't enjoy kissing" and "hate going on dates" to try to find some answers. Any hockey player who isn't also aromantic surely would never bother doing this.

Anders turns over to face away from Charlie. It really doesn't matter how Charlie would react to him being aromantic. He's not going to come out to him just based on a random thought. There's no evidence whatsoever that Charlie likes him like that. If he did, he'd at least try to sleep in the same bed, Anders is sure.

It was a good hookup, and Charlie wants to do it again. Anders wants to do it again. So they'll do it again, and that's all they'll do. If it gets out of hand, well, he can deal with that when it happens.

-

It's not long before they hook up again. They never did talk the morning after their first one, and by morning skate, Charlie was pretending it never happened. Anders was okay with this, as much as he was still confused. Maybe Charlie only said he wanted to do it again to make Anders feel better about himself; he's nice enough to do something like that.

Only now they're in Charlie's bed making out with their shirts off, and Charlie's hand is already undoing Anders' zipper. Anders had only come over to play Xbox, but the TV was never even turned on. He's thinking it probably won't be - no, it _definitely_ won't be. Not with Charlie getting his pants all the way off, removing his own, and reaching over for the lube.

The sex is great, even better than the first time. Now they know each other a little bit better, and more importantly, Charlie doesn't freak out as soon as they're done.

"That was…" Charlie trails off and sighs blissfully. Anders smirks.

"That good, huh?"

"Oh yeah man, for sure," Charlie grins. "I'm glad we did it again."

They make light conversation while they clean themselves off, and eventually Charlie leaves to go get a glass of water. Anders puts his clothes back on, thinking about how maybe this could be a regular thing. He's never had a friend with benefits before, but it could be a great thing to have. He's always liked consistency, and it's something he's wished to have more of in his time in the NHL so far. Maybe this could be a way to finally have some - there certainly isn't any worry about Charlie outing him, not when he'd also be outing himself. It's a lot safer than a hookup at a bar or from Grindr. And he does really like Charlie. He wouldn't want to go on a date or anything, still, but they have a lot of chemistry. It's a good match, and he wants more of it. He just still hopes Charlie doesn't want too much - and the more they hook up, the more that might become a problem.

When Charlie comes back, Anders gets the feeling that something is off.

"Hey, uh, I think I'm just gonna take a nap or… something," Charlie says. He's not looking at him.

"Oh, okay, I'll just go," Anders says. It's a clear attempt at getting him to leave without actually asking, and he's not going to fight it.

"Thanks, man," Charlie says. "See you tomorrow."

"Yeah, see you broski." It gets a smile out of Charlie, so Anders is happy. Things can't be going too badly, then.

-

It happens a few more times, and a few more after that, to the point that it becomes a regular thing. Charlie doesn't act so weird after the sex anymore, and while they still haven't talked about their situation, he seems happy with it. Anders knows _he's_ happy with it.

He's been hanging out with Matt a lot more, too. It's good, he thinks, considering that his only really close friends on the team are Jake and Charlie. If he's going to be here a while - which, hopefully, he will be - it'll be better with friends. And Matt is amazing. His sense of humor is not as flashy as Jake's or even Charlie's, but in Anders' humble opinion, he's the funniest guy on the team. He always knows the right moment for a joke, and he always knows just what to joke about.

But he can be serious, too. When Anders was alone at Notre Dame after the second shoulder injury, taking classes that weren't hard enough to occupy all his time, alone with the realization that all his friends had graduated, and worried about whether he'd ever play again, it was Matt who listened to him and always texted back and reassured him that if anyone could come back from this, it's him. Matt's not the most vocal about his own feelings, but he's always willing to listen to others.

Anders isn't sure what to expect when Matt pauses Peaky Blinders to ask if they can talk. It could be a question about the power play or a plot point on the show, or it could be something serious. He's pretty sure it's going to be something serious, judging by Matt's tone and the grim look on his face, but he could just be messing around.

"Everything okay?" Anders asks.

Matt sighs. "Yeah, I'm just - I don't know. I've been thinking about it for a while, and..." He looks away, and Anders notices that he's wringing his hands together. He's not just messing around.

"Hey, whatever it is, you know I'm here for you, right?"

"Thanks," Matt says with a small smile. "Uh, you promise not to tell anyone?"

"Yeah, of course," Anders says automatically. He can keep a secret if he really wants to. He usually doesn't, but this seems important.

"Like, not any of the guys, or your parents, or your brother, or - I don't know, anyone," Matt goes on.

"Dude, I promise I won't tell anyone. Your secret is as safe as the origins of aitch. Probably even safer," Anders says. It gets a weak laugh out of Matt - mission accomplished.

"Okay, okay," Matt says. The faint smile caused by the aitch comment is already gone, and Anders is starting to really worry about him. "I, uh. I don't know how to say this."

"Well, what, is it in another language or something? Even if it is, you could totally figure it out. I think you're just nervous," Anders teases him to lighten the mood. "You don't have to be, you know."

"I just…" Matt trails off, and Anders gets the sense that he's seriously considering chickening out.

"Oh, now don't tell me you killed someone. If you needed me to help get rid of a body-"

"God, just stop," Matt says, but he's sort of laughing. "I'm gay. Okay? There it is, now if you're going to - I don't know, just. That's it."

Anders isn't really sure what he'd been expecting, if he'd really been expecting anything at all, but the news doesn't shock him.

"Oh, hey, I'm happy for you, bro. And I'm glad you trusted me with this," he says. "Hey, you know I am too, right?"

If it weren't such a serious situation, Anders would definitely be laughing at Matt's face right now. It took about thirty seconds for him to go from nervous to exasperated to relieved to looking like he's staring at a calculus textbook.

"You are…?"

"Gay," Anders clarifies.

"Oh," Matt says. His eyes widen a little as he takes it in. "Wait, you're - okay, wow. That's - I mean, hey, thanks for telling me. It's great to know I'm not alone, you know?"

"Yeah, totally," Anders says. It's true, although he wishes it were as simple as being gay.

"Like, I've never really told anyone else. At least not in person. I've been on some, uh, forums-"

"I can't tell if that's your way of trying to say Yahoo Answers or Reddit," Anders quips.

"Fuck off," Matt laughs.

"You didn't answer the question."

"It wasn't a question!" Anders raises an eyebrow, and Matt sighs. "Fine. It was both."

"Knew it," Anders smirks.

"Whatever," Matt mumbles. "Anyway, yeah, I've never really had a place to be fully myself that wasn't anonymously on the Internet, so this is nice."

"Oh, yeah, I totally get you," Anders says. "Bro, you have no idea how many hours I've spent in the depths of Google trying to figure shit out."

Matt laughs. "Can't be any more than me. I know so much about so many random identities that probably no one I've ever met in real life has even heard of. Isn't that wild?"

Anders pauses. Would someone really find all of that just from searching for "am I gay" quizzes and Yahoo Answers?

"I mean, you've met one," he says. It's as close to coming out completely as he'll probably ever get.

"Oh?" Matt questions. "So you know, like… what being ace means?"

"Uh, yeah," Anders says. It's starting to feel like Matt is getting onto something, and it's hitting a little too close to home for comfort. He shouldn't have said that, he shouldn't have - no. It's not fair to just assume Matt wouldn't accept him, not when he's just trusted Anders with such a huge secret. He knows this, intellectually; it's just hard to believe anyone who doesn't spend half their life on the Internet could ever really get it. Anders is pretty sure most guys haven't been injured as long as he has.

"Huh… you know, I, uh. I didn’t think I'd be telling anyone this anytime soon, but I'm, uh - yeah. I'm ace," Matt says, and wow, Anders _really_ hadn't been expecting this.

"Oh - I mean, that's great, I support you, and again, thank you for telling me. And you know, I'm…" Is he really doing this? It can't have been more than two minutes since he was thinking about how he'd never tell this to anyone, ever, and now here he is doing it without even thinking? Is he _really_ doing this?

"You're… what?"

Okay, fuck it, he's doing this. "I'm aromantic," Anders says in a rush. "I, uh, assume you know what that means. But yeah, so, uh, solidarity?"

Matt raises a fist, and Anders bumps it with his own. It's probably not the most appropriate response to coming out, but it suits them.

"Solidarity," Matt says. "Man, did we really just do that?"

"Hey, I thought the fist bump was cool," Anders says, fake-pouting.

"No, no, you're right. I meant the double coming out to each other. Or is it quadruple?"

Anders laughs. "I swore I was never going to tell anyone - that I'm aro, I mean, at least. I just - I thought no one would get it, you know? Or that I'd just be called, I don’t know, emotionally stunted or a dick or whatever."

"I'm right there with you," Matt says. "Not quite the same, but still. You can imagine how hockey players would treat a guy who doesn't want to have sex, and being short doesn't help." Anders isn't sure whether he's hinting at something, but the very idea of Matt's teammates or even opponents taunting him over that makes his blood boil. If he could fight them without knowing he'd probably just re-injure his shoulder, he'd do it in a heartbeat. Maybe he will anyway.

"I'm glad we have each other," Matt finishes. "Not just because now I know that I'm not alone, but - you're a great friend, you know that?"

Anders thinks briefly of Charlie, and how he'd already known he wasn't the only not–straight guy on the team, and yet somehow knowing that he's not the only one with a lesser known identity helps so much more than he'd ever allowed himself to imagine.

"I'm glad, too."

-

The next night, Charlie and Anders hook up again.

It's fun, just like it always is, only this time, Charlie calls him "baby".

Anders doesn't mind, exactly - in fact, he kind of likes it - but he hopes it doesn't mean what he fears it means. He's not ready for that conversation, no matter how much Matt will support him.

-

The worst part of his brain likes to remind him that if worse comes to worst and he and Charlie lose their friendship over this, he's the one who would be traded. Not Charlie. He loves it in Boston, even with his subpar luck, and he really, really doesn't want to leave.

It'd put Matt in a tough spot, too. Anders knows he and Charlie are close, but he likes to think that he and Matt share a special sort of bond. Nothing romantic, obviously, but just by virtue of coming out to each other, they already know each other more deeply than anyone else on the team knows them. And sometimes, Anders will start typing a joke in the aitch gang group chat, and before he can finish typing, he sees the same joke pop up as a notification from Matt. It's like they're on the same wavelength, or something, and Anders is sure that if his theory of how people unknowingly see the same colors in different ways is real, he and Matt see the same colors the same ways. They just _get_ each other.

He's not sure if Matt is really the best person to go to in this situation but, well, he's the only one who might understand. Not counting Yahoo Answers.

"Hey," he begins at lunch the next day. "Is it cool if I ask you about something personal?"

"Yeah, you don't have to ask permission," Matt says.

"Well, it involves sex, so I wasn't sure - thought I should at least ask," Anders says. "That okay?"

"Sure," Matt says. "As long as you're not asking me which sex position you should try next or whatever."

Anders laughs. "No, nothing like that. So, I've been hooking up with this guy for a little while now, you know, like a friends with benefits thing. I don't usually return to the same guys more than once or twice, but, I don't know, he's just…" Anders doesn't want to say that he's a great friend, or that he's special to him, or anything that might clue Matt in to the fact that he's talking about a teammate - for the sake of Charlie's privacy - but that does make this a lot harder to articulate. "We're really compatible. And, uh, last night he called me 'baby'."

"Oh man," Matt says. "I mean, it was probably a heat of the moment thing?"

"Yeah, sure, I know, but he's never said it before? And it's a pretty intimate name, I mean, what if he's starting to really like me that way? I don't - I can't tell him the reason I don't like him like that."

Matt doesn't ask why, and it makes Anders appreciate him even more. "Hey, even if he does, he should accept that you don't want anything romantic out of it. If he doesn't, he's an asshole and he doesn't deserve you, and you should just find someone better."

"You're right, at least in general, it's just - I can't. He's-" He doesn't really want to say it, but it's not like he's saying who it is. Matt probably won't be able to guess, right? "He's a teammate."

Matt winces. "Oh… yeah, that's. That's rough."

"I mean, sure, maybe he'd just accept it, but then I'd still get that asshole reputation, even if just with one person, but it would spread because of jokes, right? And - fuck, I'm spiraling here but just - I know it's selfish to care more about myself than his feelings, but I don't want to be traded just because I pissed off a really good player by being myself, you know?" He shouldn't have said that last part - it's obvious now that he's talking about either Charlie or Jake; no other young guy on the team is good enough to be the one the team would obviously choose in that situation. Maybe Brandon.

"Yeah," Matt says. "Just - yeah. Man, that sucks."

"I don't know what to do," Anders says, looking away. "I don't want to talk to him, at least not yet, but if I just stop hooking up with him it'll be weird. So do I just continue and hope nothing happens?"

"I mean… yeah, it's either that or stop, I guess," Matt says.

Anders sighs. "I just - if I keep hooking up with him but think I'm making things worse, I feel like that's not fair to him or me? And just… not a great idea in general, but if I stop, he'll want to know what's wrong, you know?"

"Sounds like a real dilemma," Matt says.

"Yeah," Anders frowns. He's starting to feel like Matt is barely listening to him, and he isn't sure he's ever felt that way around Matt before. Did he only say it was okay to talk about sex to be polite? "Hey, you know, we can talk about something else if that makes you more comfortable," he says, hoping it's enough.

"Oh, I said I'd be here for you, though. And it's fine, really," Matt says. "I just - I don't know. I guess I'm feeling… distant."

"Distant how? If I said something-"

"No, no, Anders, it wasn't you," Matt rushes out. "I - I have some, uh, complicated feelings, I guess, I don't know. I've been thinking a lot, and I don't think - I'm not ready to talk about it, but, yeah. I'm sorry, I just kind of… can't, not right now. But I will say that you might just need to talk to him."

"Matt…" He isn't really sure what to make of it. "Uh, thank you for telling me that instead of leaving me to wonder, and you know I'm here if you do want to talk some other time. But you know I can't just talk to him."

"If you just keep hooking up with him without saying anything, it's not going to be good. You said it yourself, man. Just talk to him or say you're not interested anymore. Get a fake boyfriend if you really want to go that far. But you know you have to make some kind of change."

It's surprisingly good advice for someone who supposedly can't think of any, and Anders thanks him for it. He's still not fully convinced, though - he likes Charlie a lot, and he doesn’t want to think that he'd be anything other than accepting, but he can't let himself assume everyone is going to be that way when most people wouldn't be. If it came down to it, he'd rather lose sex with Charlie than his place on the team, but he may be in too deep to lose one without the other. Even if he's not traded, he's sure the atmosphere would be awkward and he'd practically _have_ to leave eventually.

Maybe he just needs a fresh perspective.

-

"Wait, hold on, you're telling me you're a superhero? I thought that show was fake?"

Jake's is by far the most confusing response Anders could have ever imagined. No "I support you" or "what is that" or even "get the fuck out", just… whatever that was.

"Uh… show?" All he'd said is that he's gay and aromantic, or aro for short-

"Arrow!" Jake says, and it all clicks. Anders bursts out laughing.

"Zeebs, oh my God, no," he manages through his laughter. "Not the show. It's short for aromantic."

Jake has a lot of questions about what that means, and Anders answers them all, but he still doesn't quite seem to get it. He's supportive, though, even promising to do some research later that night, and while Anders has no idea how his mind managed to go straight to a TV show when one of his best friends was in the middle of coming out to him, he's glad for the support. Jake's a great friend, really, and he feels a lot better now that he knows. All his best friends on the team know now, and there's something freeing about that.

"Hey, you know we're aitch bros for life, man. Nothing changes that," Jake says. "Shit, I'll do my whole stick in pride tape next time, top to bottom, just for you."

"Come on, man, I'm a top," Anders jokes. It's not entirely _true_ , and Jake's probably not even serious - rarely is - but it warms Anders' heart nevertheless.

Before the conversation starts to shift, Anders tells him about the situation with Charlie, saying once again that it's a teammate, and Jake's advice is the same as Matt's. He's going to have to talk to Charlie whether he likes it or not, because it's either that or essentially ghost him but try to still be friends, and that's not fair to him.

"Wait, can I guess who it is?" Jake asks.

Anders really shouldn't say yes - it's just opening up too much potential for serious trouble - but Jake looks so eager. He says yes despite his better judgment, and Jake wastes no time in coming up with his first guess.

"Gryz?"

"I - what?" Jake starts to grin, and Anders realizes he's taking that as confirmation. "No, no, that's - I swear that's not it. I - uh, Gryz and I are not fucking."

"Oh, really? I thought you guys were really close?"

"We are," Anders says. "I mean - we're just good friends."

"Huh," Jake says. "You sure? I mean, you know, the way he looks at you…"

Anders has _no idea_ how Matt looks at him, thank you very much. He's really, really hoping Jake is just full of shit right now. Maybe he's high - oh, God, he might be high. That would explain so much.

"Are you high?"

Jake laughs. "What? No, man, I don't do that when I'm alone. You know that."

Anders did _not_ know that, nor is he actually convinced it's true, but they do have a game later that night, so, yeah, probably not.

"Look, are you serious? Does Matt actually-"

"Yeah, he does," Jake says. "I mean, it's the same kind of look Sean used to always give Heino, you know? Like, pining. Maybe not as much or as dramatically, but it's there. I mean, for what it's worth, Carlo is always giving those same looks to Cliffy, and Wags and Coyle too, so I don't know, maybe the whole team is gay, or maybe I just see things that aren't there. Like, I thought I saw Backes giving those same looks to Carlo but-"

"Fuck," Anders sighs. This is a bit too much emotionally to even try to acknowledge the Backes comment. "I - I mean, considering what I just told you about being aromantic, I really hope you're wrong. I've been so worried about - uh, the other guy-"

"Hey, you're a really likable guy," Jake grins. "Maybe you should talk to both of them, then. I don't know. If they have a problem, tell them to talk to me."

Anders appreciates it - really, he probably should've talked to Jake even earlier - but he still can't help worrying. He'd already been anxious about Charlie's potential feelings, but Matt? Maybe that explains why he was acting weird after Anders mentioned that he'd been hooking up with a guy on the team - maybe he'd been jealous, and avoided talking about it because it's about Anders after all.

He may have a much bigger problem than he'd thought.

-

There's no pretense of video games or Netflix when Anders shows up at Charlie's apartment. He's just there at the door, hands in his pockets, biting his lip nervously and asking if they can talk. Charlie probably thinks he wants to fuck, but when Anders goes to sit on the couch opposite him, he knows something is up.

"You alright?"

"Yeah," Anders says. "I just - I really did want to talk."

"Okay," Charlie says. He puts his phone face-down on the coffee table, and between that and the earnest look in his eyes, Anders can tell he's ready to listen. He just hopes Charlie isn't expecting him to confess his love or whatever. 

He doesn't really know how to say it, so he just - does.

"I'm aromantic," he says, and Charlie doesn't react. Not yet, anyway. "I have no desire to ever date someone, or hold hands, or anything like that. I'm not that into kissing, either. And it's not, like, a choice, or me being closed off emotionally or whatever, it's just who I am. So - yeah," he finishes lamely and looks away. He doesn’t really want to see Charlie's reaction, even though he feels bad for doubting him.

"Hey, thanks for telling me," Charlie says, and Anders finally dares to look at him. He looks sincere, and it's enough. "I, uh, didn't know that was a thing, but I don't doubt you."

"Thanks," Anders says, smiling softly. He isn't sure how to ask the question he's really been meaning to ask.

Charlie answers it for him without any prompting. "And you know, hooking up with a friend can lead to complicated feelings, and I was still trying to sort through those, but now that I know, it's - easier, anyway. I won't do anything you're not comfortable with. I'm still not even sure if I really wanted to, or if it was just - I don't know, the convenience or a confusion of platonic feelings?"

It sounds a bit like Charlie's just trying to explain away any romantic thoughts he might've had, so Anders was probably right about that, but at least he's respectful. It's as much as Anders could've hoped for, really. 

"Whatever it is, I'm just glad you can be real with me," Anders says. He's about to say something else to shift the conversation, but-

"Actually…" Charlie starts. The dread creeps back on as Charlie goes on. "Part of why I was confused, and why I freaked out that first time, was because, uh. I kind of, maybe, have a thing for Matt?"

Suddenly, Anders thinks he knows how it feels to be Bella Swan. Or, no, Charlie is Bella. He must be Jacob, the one who gets the dude for a while, but ultimately ends up alone. If Matt really is Edward and feels the same way; otherwise, this whole analogy doesn't work.

But that's far too negative to dwell on.

"Oh?" Anders says, maybe a few seconds later than he should. "Uh, funny that you say that. Jake apparently thinks Matt has a thing for me?"

Charlie raises an eyebrow. "Don't tell me we have a love triangle going on," he laughs, even though the situation isn't really funny.

"I mean, obviously everyone needs to talk. Matt already knows about me though, so he wouldn't do anything; it's just Jake spouting nonsense like usual. But if Matt likes you, man, just go for it."

"You sure?" Charlie asks.

"Yeah, of course. If you both like each other, you've gotta go for it. Talk to him, bro." Maybe being left alone again wouldn't be the greatest feeling in the world, but if they like each other, it won't just be the no romance thing. He's just not the right guy for either of them. It's for the best, really.

He shouldn't even be upset - it's not like he wants to be in a relationship.

"I just-" Charlie stops as quickly as he starts. "I don't know, man, that doesn't feel right."

"But you like him?"

"No, I mean, yes, dating Matt would - I mean, yeah, yes, I - I think I want that. But just leaving you - I mean, I do really - I enjoy spending time with you." Charlie blushes, and Anders suppresses a laugh at his inability to just say the truth.

"You enjoy being fucked, and you know Gryz can't top," Anders says. It's not exactly the real reason, but Charlie doesn't know Matt's ace and he's not about to out him. Regardless, it gets Charlie to turn as red as the BU jersey on his wall _and_ laugh, so it's a win.

"You're not wrong," Charlie begins, "But it's not just that. We don't have to call it romance, but I love spending time with you specifically, and I just - I don't know what I'm getting at here? Like an open relationship or something? But if I were to try that, and this is a big hypothetical because I haven't even talked to Matt, I wouldn't want to do it with just anyone. I'd only want to do it with you and Matt."

It's a lot to take in - an understatement, really. He'd already been preparing himself to be pushed aside and doomed to be the third wheel in the worst possible way - or, well, the worst possible way for someone like him.

"I - wow," Anders says. "I don't know how exactly it would all work out, but it could be worth trying? But just – talk to Gryz first. I'll think about it."

Charlie agrees, and that's the end of any serious discussion. As soon as Anders leaves the apartment, he texts Matt.

_In case Charlie randomly decides to have a talk with you, it's totally 1000% safe to come out to him fully_

Matt reads the text immediately, but it's nearly ten minutes before a response comes through.

_Spare some context pls?_

Anders laughs, but leaves him on read. He'll know soon enough.

-

"Yo, Dersy, what the fuck?" Jake yells in disbelief. They're playing Fortnite for old times' sake, not that the game is really that old, and Anders just killed four players in about five seconds.

"That's how you do it Zeebs!"

It's a fun moment, but it's short-lived. Jake is easily distracted, and a ping from his phone results in his character getting killed almost instantly as he puts the controller down to check it. Anders just shakes his head and keeps playing, but he doesn't get very far before Jake yanks the controller out of his hand.

"Bro, what-"

"Charlie and Matt need to see you. They said it's urgent," Jake says. He wiggles his eyebrow suggestively, and briefly Anders wonders if he knows more than he lets on. "Does this mean I get the room to myself for the night?"

Technically, this is the hotel room Jake shares with Matt, but Anders decides not to acknowledge that part. "Have fun finishing in last without me, then."

He walks down the hallway to his and Charlie's room, and Charlie is already waiting at the door while Matt is sitting on one of the beds. Anders really wishes he'd thought more about it. All he really knows is that he doesn't want a relationship, but Matt and Charlie both mean so much to him, and he wants them to be happy. 

"So, is this the moment where we figure out what we're all doing with our lives?" Anders asks, going to join Matt on the bed. Charlie closes the door and sits on Anders' other side.

"I wouldn't go that far," Matt says. "I'm never going to have my life figured out."

Charlie laughs. "Anyway, Matt and I just had a good talk. A long one, but a good one. And, uh, we both have feelings for each other so that's really nice."

"Oh, hey, I'm happy-"

Charlie holds up a hand and cuts him off. "We didn't call you in here to announce a relationship or whatever, dude. We, uh, both kind of have feelings for you. So, you know, we talked about this a little, but if you wanted to try something, let's try it."

"And just to be clear, we're not expecting any kind of romance," Matt adds. "You can just keep having sex with Charlie all you want, and as for the two of us, we can just do whatever you're comfortable with. Maybe it's just emotional support and having fun together, maybe cuddling if you're cool with that. But I won't try to make you do anything you don't want to."

"Neither will I," Charlie says. "For both of you."

Anders feels more than a little overwhelmed, but he doesn't think it's a bad thing. They seem understanding – maybe it's worth a try?

"I - wow," he says. "So what _is_ this, then? Like are we boyfriends or just friends with benefits, only for Matt the benefits are just cuddling, or…?"

Charlie shrugs. "Whatever you want to call it, I guess. Matt and I are going with boyfriends, but if you just want to be our official third wheel or something, that's fine. But if you want to just try that word without it being inherently romantic, that could work?"

"Isn't this just a queerplatonic relationship? And polyam - poly?" Matt gives up on pronouncing the word pretty quickly, but Anders has done enough research to know what he means.

"Yeah, that's probably about right," Anders says. "I think it's worth trying, though I'm not sure about a label yet. I do really like you both, just not in the same way as you like each other, but it – it could work. It really could. I mean, not that anyone needs sex to survive, but this would be perfect for both me and Charlie in that sense."

"So we're doing this?" Matt asks. His eyes are practically sparkling with joy, and Anders feels it echo in himself.

"Yeah, if you're both down," Anders smiles back at him.

Charlie reaches around Anders to pull both of them into a hug that ends with them all lying on the bed. Anders' head is on Matt's shoulder with Charlie's on his. It's nice, and Anders doesn't even entertain the thought of feeling left out.

Being in bed with the two of them feels like home already, and it's one he thinks he can stay in forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to come talk to and/or follow me on [tumblr](http://www.cjmasim.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> Kudos and comments always appreciated <3


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